1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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