I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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