Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
