How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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