The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
