Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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