well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
