I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just cut my nipple shaving
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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