My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So vagazzling was a success
I think people are normalizing furries
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
