this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
