I think I died a long time ago.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
