Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
