what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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