This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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