Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
