I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
