you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
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Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
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He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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