did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
where am i from again
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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