I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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