your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
