Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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