If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
