i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
