I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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