So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
