my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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