Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
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you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
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The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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