she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
