A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
