I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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