just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize