I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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