your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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