I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
