I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
pop tarts are not kleenex
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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