I could have mohawked her pubes.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
