i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
