Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
