Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
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i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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