i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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