I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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