wat bout pragnant strippers??
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
