I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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