life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
