um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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