You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
