Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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