So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
