Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
