your room smells of hookers.
And success
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
