I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
