Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
