i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
