Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
