Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
