I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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