Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
pray to the hookup gods
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
