How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
